How Buffy Came Out To Her Mother

Okay, I’m not really saying that Buffy is gay, but the scene in Becoming Part 2 (2×22) where Buffy tells her mom that she is the slayer… It has always reminded me of how it feels to come out and give a potentially earth-shattering truth to a parent. So here’s the dialogue from that scene (no clip is available on youtube unfortunately).

Buffy: She was a slayer, Mom.

Joyce: Like what you are? Honey, are you sure you’re a slayer? I mean, have you tried not being a slayer?

Buffy: Mom…

Joyce: It’s ’cause you didn’t have a strong father figure, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Buffy: It’s just fate, Mom. I’m the Slayer. Accept it.

[…]

Joyce: You can’t just drop something like this on me and pretend it’s nothing!

Buffy: I’m sorry, I don’t have time-

Joyce: No! I’m tired of “I don’t have time” and “you wouldn’t understand.” I am your mother and you are going to make time to explain yourself.

Buffy: I told you. I’m a vampire slayer.

Joyce: Well, I don’t accept that!

Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences… How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven’t figured it out?

Joyce: Well, it stops now!

Buffy: No, it doesn’t stop! It never stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, God, even studying! But I have to save the world, again.

Joyce: No. This is insane. You need help.

Buffy: I’m not crazy, Mom! What I need is for you to chill. I’ll be back.

Joyce: I’m not letting you out of this house.

Buffy: You can’t stop me.

Joyce: You walk out of this house, don’t even think about coming back.

At the very beginning when Buffy has accidentally “outed” herself to her mom, Buffy attempts to continue on knowing that it will be very difficult for her mother to understand and appears to be very scared of her reaction. It seems as though Buffy almost shuts down, trying not to focus upon what has just happened. 

Then Joyce’s first responses echo a lot of what LGBT+ people hear upon coming out: “Are you sure…?” or “Have you tried not being…?” You could quite literally replace “slayer” with “gay” at the very start of this scene and it would still make sense. Eventually Joyce begins to digest this and starts playing the blame game; that Buffy lacked a father-figure, that she’s “insane” and needs medical help for this, because to Joyce everything she ever dreamed of Buffy having, a normal, happy and healthy life has just been thrown straight out of the window. It was completely beyond her comprehension that supernatural creatures exist, let alone that Buffy might need to fight them. Much like it could be for some people who have a very limited knowledge of the LGBT community.

Then Joyce goes about the wrong way of getting answers. Instead of accepting what Buffy has said and later using other resources to find out what a slayer is or whether Buffy is really telling the truth, Joyce becomes very hostile and demands that Buffy explain everything to her right then, as though Buffy isn’t feeling raw and emotional as well. Joyce even plays the parent card “I am your mother and you are going to do exactly what I ask of you” is not the best way to gain the respect of your child, nor support them emotionally.

Eventually Joyce begins to move from questioning and demanding answers to outright rejection. She states that she doesn’t accept what Buffy has told her, completely rejecting her identity and stating that if Buffy leaves she won’t be allowed back. This brings it home for a lot of us who have faced the fear and/or reality of being disowned by family when we come out.

Finally when Buffy does try to give her some answers she states how obvious it has been, how she has been hiding it for numerous years and can’t understand why her mother hasn’t realised. Buffy tells her mother that this isn’t new, this isn’t something she’s making up to rebel, but that she’s known for a while and has tried to keep it hidden – many of us can really relate to that part.

The main line that sticks out in this episode for me is: “Do you think I chose to be like this?” This is something many of the LGBT+ community have said to others, to their parents, and to themselves. This line holds so much meaning and it really reiterates the hard truth that no child can chose who they are completely, no matter what their parents might wish for them.

BTVS and creator Joss Whedon constantly pushed the media’s boundaries regarding LGBT visibility later on in the series with Willow and Tara who came out as a couple in season 4, then finally (after much more pushing) had their first on-screen kiss in season 5, but Joss never explored Willow coming out to her family. She does of course come out to her friends, who are quite shell-shocked at first as Willow had previously had a boyfriend, but ultimately accept her happily and not much more is said. The scene depicted above really hits a nerve with me as it truly encapsulates the horrors of coming out to an unaccepting family member or friend and really reminds me of when I first came out. I think this scene is wonderfully written and really attempts to reflect the experiences of LGBT+ persons in a subtle way before the television networks would allow LGBT+ content on their screens.

My Trich Six Months On…

Following on from this post from February I have decided to do a quick, but happy update regarding my hair growth!

Just for clarification “trich” is short for trichotillomania which is a condition where a person feels “compelled” to pull their hair out. I have a very mild form of this disorder, but I have a rather large obsession with my hair and so any slight changes in it without my knowledge really jar me and negatively impact the way I feel about myself and my body.

So here we go, let’s see my hair shall we?

At the very start of the year (New Year’s Eve, 2014) I had managed to get my hair to roughly the same length all around as demonstrated here:

So then my focus turned to growing it beyond this length and keeping it from being unhealthy and damaged to my right side where I tend to pull the most.

At my graduation in July I was really worried about how I would feel about my hair in the photos, however, I was pleasantly surprised.

As you can see my hair doesn’t look particularly thick, but it does look soft, long and healthy, which is all I can ask of it at this point in time. For me this is incredible progress to make in six months.

But it’s not July anymore, it’s August and how has my hair progressed since then?

I’ve taken two in slightly different lighting as the first one makes my hair look as though it has been Ombre’d which it hasn’t been (for like three years, the blonde is definitely pushing it’s way back through.)

As you can see even though my hair is curled it is thick and long, with both sides fairly evenly matched in terms of coverage. Of course I have a side parting which makes it a little harder to distinguish whether everything is even, but it most definitely looks that way to me at least.

So have I stopped pulling? Hell no. Have I learned to help my impulse-control disorder to minimise damage? Yes. And I think that’s all I could really ask of myself. I’m not saying we won’t go back to the way things were before, but I am very hopeful for the moment.

Lush Review #2 featuring Jersey Bounce and other Oxford Street Exclusives

So as you may or may not have heard Lush opened their biggest shop in the world fairly recently and a few weeks ago I had the chance to go visit and pick up some of the exclusive goodies they released for the opening. I am not an expert on Lush products and these are merely my own responses to the products described, if relevant I will describe my hair/skin type alongside the product.

Jersey Bounce

This shampoo is a mixture of sea salt, honey, and egg among other things and feels a lot like Big when applied, however the effect is much, much nicer. My hair is naturally thin and straight which can often lead to flat, dry, and boring, but when I was using Jersey Bounce my hair was always and I mean always soft to the touch and full of volume. I cannot stress how good this product was for my hair and the only issue ended up being that I didn’t buy a big enough tub and I have now officially run out. However, like I said, this product is very similar to Big and so that is another possibility to use, but Big does not make my hair as soft and bouncy as Jersey Bounce did – but it’s a close second. This is a must buy for me and I would recommend it to everyone.

Damaged

Damaged is a one-use hot oil treatment and costs £6.50 per treatment and so it is not for the thrifty-natured among us. The vanilla in it makes this a dream of a treatment for me, since vanilla is my favourite scent, however after application and after following all the instructions I found that this treatment made no difference to my hair whatsoever. I also found the process of changing the solid chunk into hot oil very tedious, taking far longer than the recommended five minutes, but also it remained rather lumpy. Overall I would not recommend this treatment and believe that Lush has many cheaper and more effective hair treatment products available such as Roots and Shine So Bright.

Razzle Dazzle (no Lush website link available)

And finally, lets end with something sparkly! Now what attracted me to the bath oil Razzle Dazzle was its gorgeous colour. However, after buying and placing it in my Lush paper bag I began to notice that it begun to spread and stain the bag and even some of the other products within the bag, almost like it was already melting before I’d even got home. This didn’t put me off though, so I went home and placed it in a warm bath and laid there for a while, enjoying the vibrant colour it changed the water. The raspberry and lime smell was also extremely delightful. Then, when I got out of the bath, I noticed the product had stained my arms pink! It took a lot of scrubbing to get the colour off – not cool Lush. Though it was a meagre £2.00 I would not be recommending this to anyone, unless they want to look like a pink Smurf.

How The Divergent Series Is More Progressive Than The Hunger Games Trilogy

Before I start perhaps it is appropriate to define what I mean by “progressive”. When I use the word progressive I mean it in both senses of the word, meaning, in the first instance, to develop and, in the second, to aid social reform. Thus whilst I admit that both series’ are similar and belong to the same dystopian YA thriller genres, I believe that The Divergent Series develops the YA fiction genre further than The Hunger Games and that it’s ideology is far more liberal than The Hunger Games.

There are definite spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

• The gay couple in Allegiant.
  I really had to start with my biggest surprise throughout reading the books with the fact that Veronica Roth included not only a gay person, but a happy gay couple who – while they were minor background characters – were still portrayed as integral parts of the story. It was also not important to the story that they were gay – they just were gay. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. Contrary to this there is never seen to be any inclusion of any LGBT persons in the Hunger Games, despite what fan theorists may try to have us believe… 
• Where’s the love triangle?
  Let’s hear a cheer for the missing triangle in Divergent! Not only is there no romantic conflict, but a happy, healthy, and loving relationship is developed and maintained throughout the three novels! That’s not to say they are always happy, but Tris and Tobias do trust, love, and support one another despite the various other conflicts in their lives.
  
  As much as I love Katniss and Peeta we see the continued trope of “the love triangle” used to build suspense regarding Katniss’ “happy ending” and the problematic “friendzone” which both Peeta and Gale find themselves in at one point or another, demanding things of Katniss rather than allowing her to be happy and make choices for herself.
• Tris dies! 
  
  This point physically pains me to write because Tris dying is one of the most traumatic fictional events I have ever encountered. Not only did Veronica Roth defy fanservice and make YA history by killing off the main character she also reminded us of the painful truth that not everyone gets a happy ending, no matter how much you might want them to have it. The Hunger Games also did this extremely well with Prim’s death and I have to say Prim’s death was one of my highlights of the series, however, it’s conservative ending involving marriage and two children really dulled this down for me.
• Allegiant’s POV swap.
  Okay this is definitely a controversial one. As a writer myself I have doubts about how necessary and/or appropriate it was to split Allegiant into two different points of view: Tris and Tobias. Of course it is useful in that Tobias is able to continue the story once Tris is dead and it is also a cool development within this series. We have seen multiple uses of POV swap in previous YA fiction (such as Jacob/Bella in Eclipse), however this alternating style really pushes the boundaries of what we expect from YA literature and reminds us that there is room for innovation and creativity, even if not all of us agree it was particularly effective.
• The destruction of the good vs. evil rhetoric. 
  Throughout children’s and young adult literature (most notably in the fantasy or dystopia genres) we find a narrative constantly being constructed of the good vs. the evil, most clearly depicted in fairy tales but also in literature such as Harry Potter, The Mortal Instruments, The Chronicles of Narnia, and most definitely within The Hunger Games.
  There is a clear divide between President Snow and The Capitol, and the outlying districts. There is a great reason for this which Suzanne Collins demonstrates effortlessly, which is the divide between the rich and the poor which reflects our own societies class divide. However, it still continues this tired rhetoric of people being classified as good or bad with hardly any middle ground. Arguably Katniss is seen as somewhat morally deviant, as is Gale after his accidental killing of Prim, but even with these instances we are rather clear that Prim and Rue are seen as innocent victims of the Capitol and characters such as President Snow and Romulus Thread are seen as evil people who must be eliminated and eventually are.
  Contrary to this just the structure of the Divergent world being split into five factions helps to shake up the good vs. bad rhetoric instilled upon YA thrillers. The only victims of this five faction system appear to be the factionless who may be viewed sympathetically, but instead actually have their own power and agency to rise up and rebel, causing death and destruction. Then there is Erudite who are classed as the villains for much of the series and do practice mind control and cause a lot of death, however, their notions that Abnegation should not be allowed to rule simple because that is the way it has always been shows sparks of liberalism and defy traditionalistic views of governing. Their defiance is also rooted in the suspicions that Abnegations aren’t all selfless and compassionate, between Marcus Eaton is an abusive piece of shit – and they are right about that. Despite this fact, however, Tris still works with Marcus knowing he abused her partner and he proves to be a useful character to the plot, again showing the complexities of morality. Evelyn, Marcus’ ex-wife and victim of his abuses also, can also be viewed as a sympathetic character having faked her own death to get away from the abuse it was so horrific, however, she left her son behind and rallies the factionless to uprise causing much destruction and mayhem.
  In The Hunger Games Katniss strives in the first arena to not be responsible for any deaths whatsoever and (to my knowledge at least) she succeeds mostly except to revenge Rue’s death and sets up an unrealistic standard of heroism for our readers. In contrast to this, however, Tris’ situation is much more complex as she kills one of her friends whilst he is under mind control serum. She admits that in that moment it was kill or be killed and she opted to save herself. Her survival instinct matching much of what any normal human being may have felt in that situation and she becomes a symbol of humanity, flawed, selfish, but redeemable and forgivable.
• The recurring message of self-care and self-compassion.
  
  Throughout the series Tris struggles to reconcile the events that have brought her to where she is. She struggles with the lives she has taken and the lives that have been taken from her a lot throughout the series, even leading to her being unable to hold or shoot a gun during Insurgent. (Which of course the film completely skipped, bastards.) Katniss struggles similarly, but does not attempt to help herself, she merely pushes through and proves to be the strong female character we expected her to be, almost managing to forget about those traumatic memories and emotions. In Tris’ case she is constantly seen to discuss her issues with others, including telling Tobias about her parent’s death, and ultimately in Allegiant she manages to come to a closure with her journey of self-compassion as displayed below.

  Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
  I don’t know. I don’t know.
  Please. 
  (Divergent, page 476)

  Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
  I want to be.
  I can.
  I believe it. (Allegiant, page 476)
  If you have an alternate opinion please comment below! I would love to hear it.
  (P.s. can you tell Allegiant is my favourite book?)

Why Peeta Mellark Makes My Feminist Heart Race

Bear with me, I am attempting to get myself back into blogging regularly, and where else would I start but the beautiful, talented, wonderful character that is Peeta Mellark? Linda Holmes described Peeta as a ‘movie girlfriend’, and she’s not wrong.

Don’t get me wrong: In real life, we all know couples of all gender alignments who operate in this way and in lots of other ways, whether they’re male-female or two guys or two women or whatever; there’s absolutely nothing about baking, physical strength, or emotional accessibility that is inherently gendered in real life for real humans with any consistency. But the movies, or at least the big movies, are different. Going by the traditional Hollywood rules, make no mistake: Peeta is a Movie Girlfriend. (Article can be read here.)

So here is my own personal breakdown of 5 of my favourite Peeta Mellark quotes from the Hunger Games trilogy which prove to me that he defies gender norms and becomes a beacon of hope for young boys and feminists alike.

1. And then he gives me a smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushes through me.
   What more can I say but that ‘sweet’ is not a word commonly associated with a typical male love interest in today’s media and most definitely not ‘shyness’. Katniss quite clearly reacts in a very physical way to this and displays that sweet, shy men can be attractive to women.
2. “Tomorrow’s a hunting day,” I say. “I won’t be much help with that,” Peeta says. “I’ve never hunted before.” “I’ll kill and you cook,” I say. “And you can always gather.”
   This quote was written for this blog post, I swear. The typical man is a ‘hunter’ and the woman is a ‘gatherer’, but this quote completely turns that concept on it’s head quite blatantly and without a punchline. Great job Collins!
3. Peeta genuinely seems to enjoy this station, swirling a combination of mud and clay and berry juices around on his pale skin, weaving disguises from vines and leaves. The trainer who runs the camouflage station is full of enthusiasm at his work. “I do the cakes,” he admits to me.
   Creativity and bakery are often not associated with being masculine, but here Peeta quite unabashedly displays his love of icing cakes, creating intricate patterns and how typically frivolous feminine hobbies can actually be useful and enjoyed by all, despite your gender.
4. On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale’s fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.
   Katniss admits that what she needs from a male love interest isn’t power or strength, but simply hope and optimism. Peeta here is associated with ‘rebirth’ and ‘life’ – things which are typically feminine due to the associations with childbirth. Additionally Peeta is not depicted as being a saviour for Katniss – someone who could swoop in and save her from the darkness, but instead he provides the opportunity for Katniss to save herself and have a good life again.
5. “You’re still trying to protect me. Real or not real,” he whispers. “Real,” I answer. It seems to require more explanation. “Because that’s what you and I do. Protect each other.”
   Katniss and Peeta save each other time and time again. Who needs the typical male saviour when you can be equals who protect each other?

Want to read more? Check out these articles!

http://www.npr.org/sections/monkeysee/2013/11/25/247146164/what-really-makes-katniss-stand-out-peeta-her-movie-girlfriend

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alisonwillmore/peeta-mellark-is-the-damsel-in-distress-of-the-hunger-games#.qdA5DWPMQ

http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2013/12/12/the-hunger-games-gender-role-revolution/

I’m doing better than I’m feeling

A scrape against skin,
This pattern etched in,
Hidden it may be,
But not from me.

Those six words bracing,
Blinding truth racing,
To my eyes unseen,
Mantra serene.