Biphobia: The Choice Dilemma

There is a huge stigma surrounding the bisexual identity, which stems from a lot of sources and especially from the homophobia that affects other LGBT+ identities. However, I firmly believe that a lot of biphobia has been created as a biproduct of pro-LG campaigns which state that “it isn’t a choice” etc. This concept, created to explain lesbian and gay lifestyles, tells us that being gay or lesbian is the same as being straight: you didn’t choose it at some point in life, you were just born that way and that’s okay. LZ Granderson famously said (and is frequently quoted): “Being gay isn’t a choice, but being a bigot certainly is.”

Now, I’m not saying this isn’t true, and I’m not saying that anyone who speaks this way is wrong, or purposefully mean or bigoted. No, that’s not the case. However, by continually perpetuating this singular view within the LGBT+ community, we erase those who – for all intents and purposes – have a “choice.”

I am bisexual, and I can pass for straight if I choose to do so. Many gay and lesbian persons I have met and spoken to have envied this fact (though admittedly not all), some even indicated that my struggle must have been easier, because at least I could still be in a relationship and not come out of the closet, which – admittedly – is a nice perk when you’re young and confused and still live at home.

However, being able to pass isn’t as great as a lot of people think it is. Often bisexuals – and pansexuals – find themselves having to repeatedly reconfirm their identities, having them questioned with every new relationship prospect, and occasionally are accused of being “fake”. In a nutshell, we may not have experienced precisely the same discrimination as you, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I am not diminishing the struggles of lesbian and gay persons, because it can be a real struggle, but it should be acknowledged on an individual basis – from person to person – and we should accept that everyone experiences varying degrees of homophobia and discrimination, based on geography, surrounding family’s views, cultural differences, religion etc.

Besides, even if this wasn’t the case for bisexuals and pansexuals, for LGBT+ persons to be accepted into society and have our sexualities justified, we should not have to relinquish responsibility saying: “well it’s not my fault, so you can’t punish me for it.” No, we should be accepted for who we are because we are people, because we are human, and because we deserve the same basic rights as anyone else on this Earth.

So yes, I could pass as straight, and date men, and never come out of the closet, because for me it is a “choice”. But I won’t, because I am bisexual, because I can be attracted to both sexes and because ultimately, like any other choice in my life – for my education, my occupation, my home – you do not get a say in it, and you do not get to judge me for it, and I still demand respect despite this choice.

It is so hard, but I’m finally in a place in my life where I can love myself for me, I can accept my sexuality and that not everyone is going to like it and that’s okay because I like it. Biphobia isn’t going away overnight, so I suggest to anyone who has experienced some of the struggles I’ve discussed to stay strong and love yourself, because that’s the most important thing.

For more information:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-andre/why-wouldnt-we-the-sad-truth-about-biphobia_b_3506551.html

http://www.alternet.org/books/biphobia-and-monosexism-bisexual-oppression

http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Being-Bisexual

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10495362/Tom-Daley-Why-do-so-few-men-admit-to-being-bisexual.html

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2014/10/31/alan-cumming-i-never-had-any-shame-about-being-bisexual/

The Problem with Fifty Shades of Grey

I could potentially write about this subject endlessly, since it has a plethora of material I could cite and many, many critics who have spoken out against the relatively recent erotica phenomenon, but instead I’ll discuss why as a self-defining feminist and simultaneously sex-positive person that any discussion regarding Fifty Shades of Grey is inherently problematic. To do so, I’ll break it down into three points of discussion:

1. Fifty Shades of Grey features a BDSM relationship.
   Many people have shown a dislike for the trilogy because of this “fringe” sexual kink, which has previously been widely marginalised. This is a perfectly fine and valid response to a sexual experience which the individual does not enjoy or find appealing. However, a lot of the backlash to this relationship isn’t because of a mere dislike, but because of a conservative and repressive attitude towards sex in general, which leads to intense discomfort and even shaming of those who enjoy BDSM/Fifty Shades of Grey/other sexual kinks.
   However, I personally do dislike the sexual relationship portrayed within the novels since I believe it does not portray a healthy or safe attitude towards practicing BDSM, for many reasons. It’s hard to express this particular dislike when many people focus upon a dislike of BDSM, rather than a dislike of it’s execution.
   
2. Fifty Shades of Grey portrays a “typical” heterosexual relationship.
   The set up reflects many conventional concepts about romance in the 21st century: a white, heterosexual, cisgendered man who has a lot of money, power and is generally considered attractive. This cis-het-white man becomes enamoured by a shy, passive, young and impressionable white-het-cis woman, who is virginal and extremely naive in many areas. Already the premise sets us up for a huge power imbalance and instead of dissuading us from this notion, Fifty Shades reinforces it. Inspired heavily by the tragically flawed Twilight Saga, Fifty Shades of Grey also inherits many of it’s signifiers for an abusive relationship.
   The couple fail to communicate properly frequently, romantically and during sex, which leads to many uncomfortably awkward scenes in which Anna is emotionally manipulated, physically threatened, or coerced into engaging in sex acts she has very little knowledge about. By framing this as a “typical romance”, we reinforce the gendered stereotypes about power, virginity, sex, and abuse which are already destructive in our society.
   However, this doesn’t mean that heterosexual couples who like BDSM are inherently anti-feminist or wrong, which is extremely hard to express when talking about Fifty Shades, it is all the minute facets of their characters which derive from tired, centuries-old tropes about women and men which is the problem. The BDSM just complicates things.

I have refrained from using direct quotations, but there are many critics who have discussed Fifty Shades more indepth, I’ve just attempted to give a brief summation of the incompatibility of Fifty Shades with my political and moral outlook.

For more information head here:

http://therumpus.net/2012/05/the-trouble-with-prince-charming-or-he-who-trespassed-against-us/ (Roxane Gay is phenomenal, read anything and everything she’s ever written.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o92hv7La9Sk (LACI GREEN WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE)
http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-08-15/study-50-shades-of-grey-perpetuates-abusive-relationships/
https://50shadesofabuse.wordpress.com/
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/feb/10/fifty-shades-of-grey-protests-imax
http://www.mamamia.com.au/wellbeing/fifty-shades-of-grey-is-actually-physical-assault/

Being Sex-Positive in a Sex-Negative World

Firstly it might be necessary to explain what being sex positive means. Sex-positive is a social movement that I believe began in the 1960’s (think “Free Love” and the invention of birth control in pill form) and continues today within a few sub-cultures, one of those being sex-positive feminists, which would naturally include myself. Being sex-positive is simple and means that you believe sex requires only two things:

• Consent.
• Safety.

Safe and consensual sex can differ from person to person. For example, some BDSM practices may be considered unsafe by others, but are truly completely innocuous and consensual between the parties who practice sex in this manner.

Being sex-positive is a huge part of who I am, which makes it extremely infuriating to live in a sex-negative world. Since wherever you look and whoever you talk to, you’ll see people telling you how to have sex and how not to have sex. You’ll see tv shows that tell men watching lesbian sex is hot or magazines that tell women how to please men.

The fact that women are considered sluts if they are promiscuous, but if men “sleep around” it re-asserts their masculinity. That the concept of virginity is heteronormative and traditionalist, isolating certain groups of people who don’t feel virginity is important or who can’t lose their virginity because of their sexual practices/sexuality. (How do you lose your virginity if you’re a lesbian!?)

Wherever you go sex and its traditional or conventional role in society underpins almost everything we consume, harming not only individuals but those groups who don’t conform to our narrow-minded conception of sex. These groups include asexuals, polyamorous persons, and many members of LGBT+.

So what can you do to change sex-negative attitudes in society?

• Don’t listen to them.
• Have sex the way you want to, with who you want, however much you want.
• Don’t buy into media which portrays sex negatively.
• Don’t judge/shame others for their sexual practices, as long as they are safe and consensual.
• Do be open about your sex-positive views.
• Do educate others about the topic and spread the word!

Are fidelity and polyamory exclusive concepts?

Many years ago society did not understand how a woman could love a woman and a man could love a man. Just because you don’t understand how a person could fall in love with more than one person doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

In a comment article published in the InQuire newspaper another student equated polyamorous relationships with socially acceptable unfaithfulness. Not only is this an ignorant and ill-informed comment, but it essentially disregards the core definition of polyamory.

Polyamory is defined as “the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved.” (Emphasis on consent.) Upon entering a polyamorous relationship one must be aware of all the romantic and/or sexual partners involved in said arrangement, thus the partners are all consenting to have a concurrent intimate connection with each and every member involved.

If, however, one were in an “open relationship” – as I believe the other journalist may have meant – then you are looking at people who have agreed to be in a non-exclusive arrangement. Arguably this would mean that each member could be involved in other sexual and/or romantic entanglements without their partner’s active consent, perhaps being seen as arranged adultery.

Confusing the two is easily done, and this article is only theoretical and gives an extremely brief overview of the large realm of polyamorous relationships that may exist between people, and is in no way inclusive of every kind of polyamorous relationship. I also don’t purport to be an expert upon this subject and invite criticism to those who have a different view.

Though it is still possible to cheat within a polyamorous relationship – as with any other kind of exclusive relationship – it is dangerous to assume that anyone involved in a polyamorous relationship enjoys infidelity.

For more information please visit:

www.lovemore.com/

www.morethantwo.com/

www.polyamorysociety.org/